What will be will be

 You know it is really sad when you get to the point when you just don’t care. I’ve been lied too, lied about and honestly my trust level is at a zero. I am not perfect. I have and do make mistakes. I can honestly state that to PURPOSELY hurt someone physically, emotionally or mentally has never been my intention. A lot of my problems now are because I have gone to far to make sure others are not suffering. 

I never and I thought never I would be FORGOTTEN.   Not just me but Terry. I’ve watched as the phone calls haven’t come…. I’ve been here. The times we have needed help… need help. It’s different times. It’s amazing to hear how complete strangers are helped but there own parents…. Grandparents… then they wonder why you just shut down.

Experiment

 Guess what I did? I waited to be wished Merry Christmas. I know it sounds stupid but to me it showed a lot. Those that would “always “ be there...NOT. Those that love and appreciate you... NOT. Those I thought would always remember me... not.  It actually helped me make a decision that I have been struggling with.. 

Mental Health

 Wow!

 I know, I know it’s a real thing. I have people that I love and care about that struggle. With all that understood and said the question I have is, how much is illness and how much is we are told we are sick?  How much mental illness is actual, “buck up buttercup and get over it”.  I’m not saying that about the bad stuff. What I’m talking about is... the little things. 

I don’t want to go to school? I don’t want to clean my room? I don’t want to do the dishes? I don’t have to....

Whatever happened to you didn’t have a choice? You got up in the morning, made your bed, got dressed/cleaned up, went to school (walked to school or bus stop), stayed at school the whole day without a cell phone, walked home or rode the buss home. Once you were home you changed your clothes, did your chores ( these were your responsibilities without being paid), homework and then maybe free time before a bedtime.

It’s my opinion that it’s been forgotten that when you are given the blessing of having a child that you are raising a future adult. An adult that one day will have to have a job, take care of a home and be responsible.  Raising children is not easy and they do not come with manuals. Wouldn’t it be great if they did?...At year 10 ,month 8 day 12 your child will xyz and in response you will abc.  As parents we make mistakes, we are human. We are doing the best we can with the tools we have in our parental toolbox. It’s okay to tell our kids, I messed up. I could have handled that differently. It’s okay to give kids choices but don’t let them choose themselves right into bad choices. Don’t let them choose themselves into people that no one wants to be around.

Choices have consequences. It’s okay to let your kids have consequences. Isn’t that how you learned? Now, don’t take it completely outside of what I mean . If you clearly can see that they are going to cause harm to themself or others than you need to intervene. Life is tough. Life is even tougher when you haven’t prepared for it.

Compassion

 Is there such thing as compassion anymore? I think it’s easier for some to have compassion for complete strangers than their own family. Easier to show mercy and forgiveness to complete strangers than their own family. I know that I’m guilty. Why is that? Is it because we hold “family “ to a higher standard. If a member of the family is struggling and we reach out to them are we afraid that it might be a reflection on us?  

A couple weeks ago I deleted Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. All the Liberal crap and censorship was way over the top. The main reason I deleted social media... the memories. I’m trying to get those memories out of my head. The family, friends and coworkers. The betrayal that has cut me to the bone. Seeing the “memories “ come up and having to relive the pain. At the time those pictures were taken I was happy. Life was GOOD and Life was BEAUTIFUL. I have those memories in my mind.  The way family and “friends “ turn when they are done with you... it really is sad. 

I will recover. I always do... just taking longer this time.

All I can say is....

 All I can say is WOW.  Trust me I could say a lot worse, but I won’t. So many emotions, so many feelings about the last year. I am a true believer that we all make choices and we all have consequences. I have made some really poor choices in my life, some I could try to justify but in the scheme of things they were poor choices and I have and am suffering the consequences. How we choose to react to those consequences is a completely different conversation.

The last week or two, three who’s counting? Has been especially tough. So many memories of Holidays past. So many good, happy and blessed memories. Now, honestly I feel forgotten. The memories make it tougher. Not that I for one minute regret the past... but I have to wonder, have they forgotten? Have they forgotten the past? Have they forgotten the good things? One of my biggest concerns... it just might be too late one day. I see my husband slowly forgetting more and more. I see him lost in a daze more and more. Again, it’s choices and consequences. 

What others are putting us through... I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Make sure to remember someone today. Remember who made you who you are. Respect others.

Life is not what I expected.

Grandma passed away October 14, 2018.  She really needed to go. Towards the end she was not comfortable.  What is nice is that I can honestly say I was true to my commitment.  I did what I said I would do.  Don't get me wrong..... sometimes it was horrible.  It was a lot of work.  I am so thankful that I was able to do what needed to be done and not just talk the talk but walk the walk.

I had some very special friends made while I was taking care of Mom.  It is interesting that there are those that are still here and I would consider friends.  I have had time to stop and think of the people that have crossed our doorway.  People that have said that they would always be there and are not.  Unfortunately, this goes for family too.

I have to do what I KNOW is right.

May 8, 2018

It’s no secret that the last 6 months there has been a lot going on in my life.  I have had a lot of people in my life that I thought would always be there make choices that I just cannot support.  People that have by their choices made me make choices that were so hard for me to make.  I know that there are some that don’t understand the choices I feel I have been forced to make but at the end of it all, I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO WHAT I FEEL IS RIGHT. 

It amazes me when you make choices that are the right thing for you how others will fight you and do their best to make you question yourself.  The choices that I make are choices that I have given a lot of thought and prayer too.  Right now in my life I have had to close my inner circle.  I have had to tighten that circle and make it so small.  I had opened myself up and unfortunately got hurt.  A pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  Betrayal that hurt so bad that the only one I could and can talk too is the Lord.  What a testimony that in the darkest times of our lives the Lord is still there.  When you do not want to get out of bed and get dressed and those that you thought would always be there, aren’t.

I’m reminded of a teaching I heard a long time ago.  When we are walking this life we are like small trees being planted.  At first the Lord gives us supports so that when the wind comes we can stay straight while our roots are being formed.  What are our roots?  Knowledge on who we are in the Lord, growing our faith and receiving that through grace and depending not on those around us but on the Lord.  Now as like a young tree as it grows those supports are removed.  Friends, coworkers and in my case family members were my supports.  I have had to see just how deep my roots were.  Now, in this latest storm I did sway in the wind.  I DID NOT BREAK!  All credit goes to the Lord.  No matter how low or how alone you feel you never are out of the reach of Christ.  He cares, He loves you.  I know this.  This test that I’m going through has turned into a testimony.

One of my biggest fears has always been when I get old I would be alone.  I would be just like Grandma Bowles.  She has been an example to me of how not to treat people.  I have also seen an example of how others actions affect others.  Someone very close to me at one time explained it as the ripple effect.  How your actions ripple out to others.  So true.  How the words I speak and my actions affect me but how they affect others. Just like a pebble or stone thrown into a pond.  We need to start thinking before we speak or act.  “Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It’s not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make period.”  I have this on the wall in my kitchen.  It just amazes me how much others try to blame others for their attitudes and for the reasons they do what they do.  It’s time we start doing the right thing.  I take responsibility for my choices and for the decisions that I have had to make.  I also take responsibility for the mistakes that I have made.  I am not perfect.  I am still growing my roots.  Right now it looks like I will be alone when I’m old and I’m getting over that fear.  I believe through faith, even though right now I can’t see a fix for the current situation, healing will take place.  I accept that my life has changed forever.