Trust issues

Let's face it... the last 10 years.... I have had a lot of people make a lot of assumptions of what they thought was going on in my life and how things happened and nothing could be further from the truth.  This last week I had someone that I thought maybe, just maybe a relationship could be "rehabilitated".  It never would be the same, but perhaps it could be redefined.  BUT THEN.....  A statement was made that made everything so clear.  What had been said, what had been assumed, what lies had been told and people had chosen to believe.  

This is a person, or people, that I had done a lot for.  It’s not that I was keeping score, and anyone that really knows me knows that I do not keep score.  I did these things out of love.  The kind of love that a grandmother has for a grandchild, a stepmother has for a stepson(s) or and HIS wife.  Maybe these things were said because they knew that I knew the truth.  I knew their background story because they had lived with me.  They had made my life a living hell while living me and undermining my authority in my own home.   

The thing I have to work on is trusting again.  That is what I am most angry about.  I trusted.  I trusted a lot of people.  I trusted that these people would be there when we needed them and they were not.  It was a hard lesson.  You cannot put your trust in man.  CANNOT.  Not even those that you would call family, they are the first to turn.  God alone.  

Should I or Shouldn't I?

The world according to Barb.  I cannot tell you how many times I have thought.... I should start blogging again.  I should start "writing" again.  It is such a good way to get things out.  However, would it cause more problems than it's worth?   The answer YES.  I wouldn't have to post everything I typed.  I wouldn't have to post everything I wrote.  

Maybe I will.  

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised

 Entitlement. It just surprises me how many people think they are owed something.  The lies and I mean lies that are being told about me… things that I have done, said…etc.  The lies and stories being told about Terry that he has done and said. First, we lost our home in Herriman. We didn’t sell it to hide money. We had so many medical bills etc and I was being garnished …  Terry hasn’t worked since 2011. He didn’t qualify for disability because he hadn’t worked in the last 5 years once he applied. Why hadn’t he worked? He was with his mother. We had doctors notes, we went to attorneys etc… basically we were told tough, take early retirement. 

I didn’t tell Terry at first we had lost the house. I should have. I have someone, I know who it is, spreading lies about that whole mess. Truth… this person, liar, manipulating girl has NO idea what she is talking about. Instead of coming to me either in person, which she won’t, because she knows she has done me so dirty in so many ways, has choose to continue to lie. Unfortunately, there are those that listened to her lies. Instead of thinking for themselves and going… um that doesn’t even sound right. Um, maybe I should ask Barb. Um, why would Terry and Barb be living in a 14x70 trailer if they had ALL that money. Think … just Think.

I know I’m not entitled to anything. I have been lied too by so many people. I’ve been used and told “I appreciate you so much.” Then stabbed. Life is a big test. The last 12 years have been rough. I’ve lost a lot… however, I’ve learned more. You can only count on God. Those that say they will always be there… not. Those that say they appreciate you… they don’t, just as long as you are doing what they want. Remember, you are entitled to nothing. Count on no one. 

I’m tired. Tired of waiting for peace. Tired of everyone expecting me to just take it or take care of… one day, one day.  I’m not entitled… however.. either are you.. brother, daughter in law, son or anyone else.

It’s actually kinda freeing

 It’s actually kinda freeing when you just don’t care anymore. I guess the best way to put it… I will never give up hope. However, I will not allow myself to get my hopes up. 

It’s no lie and I will not hide we are not the perfect family. As a parent I made my share of mistakes and I will admit that. I could have and should have done some things differently. I have made decisions out of fear. I have made decisions out of guilt. However, I have never made decisions that would deliberately hurt someone. Some of the things that I have been accused of doing are so hurtful and wrong. If one would stop and think… look at the facts. That being said. Moving forward, I won’t put myself in a position where I can be fooled again. Even by those that are suppose to love you the most. This is not my home. That is what keeps me going. One day the truth will come out. All those that have lied, taken advantage it will… I will be more careful with my heart. 

What will be will be

 You know it is really sad when you get to the point when you just don’t care. I’ve been lied too, lied about and honestly my trust level is at a zero. I am not perfect. I have and do make mistakes. I can honestly state that to PURPOSELY hurt someone physically, emotionally or mentally has never been my intention. A lot of my problems now are because I have gone to far to make sure others are not suffering. 

I never and I thought never I would be FORGOTTEN.   Not just me but Terry. I’ve watched as the phone calls haven’t come…. I’ve been here. The times we have needed help… need help. It’s different times. It’s amazing to hear how complete strangers are helped but there own parents…. Grandparents… then they wonder why you just shut down.

Experiment

 Guess what I did? I waited to be wished Merry Christmas. I know it sounds stupid but to me it showed a lot. Those that would “always “ be there...NOT. Those that love and appreciate you... NOT. Those I thought would always remember me... not.  It actually helped me make a decision that I have been struggling with.. 

Mental Health

 Wow!

 I know, I know it’s a real thing. I have people that I love and care about that struggle. With all that understood and said the question I have is, how much is illness and how much is we are told we are sick?  How much mental illness is actual, “buck up buttercup and get over it”.  I’m not saying that about the bad stuff. What I’m talking about is... the little things. 

I don’t want to go to school? I don’t want to clean my room? I don’t want to do the dishes? I don’t have to....

Whatever happened to you didn’t have a choice? You got up in the morning, made your bed, got dressed/cleaned up, went to school (walked to school or bus stop), stayed at school the whole day without a cell phone, walked home or rode the buss home. Once you were home you changed your clothes, did your chores ( these were your responsibilities without being paid), homework and then maybe free time before a bedtime.

It’s my opinion that it’s been forgotten that when you are given the blessing of having a child that you are raising a future adult. An adult that one day will have to have a job, take care of a home and be responsible.  Raising children is not easy and they do not come with manuals. Wouldn’t it be great if they did?...At year 10 ,month 8 day 12 your child will xyz and in response you will abc.  As parents we make mistakes, we are human. We are doing the best we can with the tools we have in our parental toolbox. It’s okay to tell our kids, I messed up. I could have handled that differently. It’s okay to give kids choices but don’t let them choose themselves right into bad choices. Don’t let them choose themselves into people that no one wants to be around.

Choices have consequences. It’s okay to let your kids have consequences. Isn’t that how you learned? Now, don’t take it completely outside of what I mean . If you clearly can see that they are going to cause harm to themself or others than you need to intervene. Life is tough. Life is even tougher when you haven’t prepared for it.