I have to do what I KNOW is right.

May 8, 2018

It’s no secret that the last 6 months there has been a lot going on in my life.  I have had a lot of people in my life that I thought would always be there make choices that I just cannot support.  People that have by their choices made me make choices that were so hard for me to make.  I know that there are some that don’t understand the choices I feel I have been forced to make but at the end of it all, I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO WHAT I FEEL IS RIGHT. 

It amazes me when you make choices that are the right thing for you how others will fight you and do their best to make you question yourself.  The choices that I make are choices that I have given a lot of thought and prayer too.  Right now in my life I have had to close my inner circle.  I have had to tighten that circle and make it so small.  I had opened myself up and unfortunately got hurt.  A pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  Betrayal that hurt so bad that the only one I could and can talk too is the Lord.  What a testimony that in the darkest times of our lives the Lord is still there.  When you do not want to get out of bed and get dressed and those that you thought would always be there, aren’t.

I’m reminded of a teaching I heard a long time ago.  When we are walking this life we are like small trees being planted.  At first the Lord gives us supports so that when the wind comes we can stay straight while our roots are being formed.  What are our roots?  Knowledge on who we are in the Lord, growing our faith and receiving that through grace and depending not on those around us but on the Lord.  Now as like a young tree as it grows those supports are removed.  Friends, coworkers and in my case family members were my supports.  I have had to see just how deep my roots were.  Now, in this latest storm I did sway in the wind.  I DID NOT BREAK!  All credit goes to the Lord.  No matter how low or how alone you feel you never are out of the reach of Christ.  He cares, He loves you.  I know this.  This test that I’m going through has turned into a testimony.

One of my biggest fears has always been when I get old I would be alone.  I would be just like Grandma Bowles.  She has been an example to me of how not to treat people.  I have also seen an example of how others actions affect others.  Someone very close to me at one time explained it as the ripple effect.  How your actions ripple out to others.  So true.  How the words I speak and my actions affect me but how they affect others. Just like a pebble or stone thrown into a pond.  We need to start thinking before we speak or act.  “Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It’s not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make period.”  I have this on the wall in my kitchen.  It just amazes me how much others try to blame others for their attitudes and for the reasons they do what they do.  It’s time we start doing the right thing.  I take responsibility for my choices and for the decisions that I have had to make.  I also take responsibility for the mistakes that I have made.  I am not perfect.  I am still growing my roots.  Right now it looks like I will be alone when I’m old and I’m getting over that fear.  I believe through faith, even though right now I can’t see a fix for the current situation, healing will take place.  I accept that my life has changed forever. 

Life is FULL of Lessons

It's been a tough 24 hours.  It's been a tough 6 months.  Ultimately, I have survived but at what price? I have shed so many tears that they don't even come anymore.  There is so much I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will.  Just when you think you have a situation or someone figured out... there is change.  Lots and Lots of Change. 

Terry's Mom is still with us.  Today I took her to the doctor.  The doctor wrote a referral for Hospice care.  "Failure to Thrive" is the reason for the referral.  I think of all the changes that I have made in my life to help her.  I think of all the opportunities that I passed up.  Then to see the diagnosis of "Failure to Thrive".  What lesson is there for me to learn in this?  Maybe I will find out when I die.  Words are just words.  Actions do speak louder than words.  I know that MY actions have been with the best intent.  I know that I have honestly and truthful tried to give her quality of life, even when it wasn't convenient. 

I just need to learn how to let go of the anger.  When others don't say what I think they should, act they way I think they should.  No one is here with me and Terry.  No one is here day in and day out.  I'm not complaining but want to make a point.  STOP AND THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.  I know that is something I have had to learn.  I am still learning.  We are doing the best we know how too.  When you say "Thank You, But..."  I sincerely hope that NO ONE and I mean NO ONE, not even my exhusband has to go through what we have gone through.  The disappointment in family and friends.  Now, don't everyone start calling and texting because I have not named names and all you will do is make yourself look guilty when no one knows who I'm talking about.