Trust issues

Let's face it... the last 10 years.... I have had a lot of people make a lot of assumptions of what they thought was going on in my life and how things happened and nothing could be further from the truth.  This last week I had someone that I thought maybe, just maybe a relationship could be "rehabilitated".  It never would be the same, but perhaps it could be redefined.  BUT THEN.....  A statement was made that made everything so clear.  What had been said, what had been assumed, what lies had been told and people had chosen to believe.  

This is a person, or people, that I had done a lot for.  It’s not that I was keeping score, and anyone that really knows me knows that I do not keep score.  I did these things out of love.  The kind of love that a grandmother has for a grandchild, a stepmother has for a stepson(s) or and HIS wife.  Maybe these things were said because they knew that I knew the truth.  I knew their background story because they had lived with me.  They had made my life a living hell while living me and undermining my authority in my own home.   

The thing I have to work on is trusting again.  That is what I am most angry about.  I trusted.  I trusted a lot of people.  I trusted that these people would be there when we needed them and they were not.  It was a hard lesson.  You cannot put your trust in man.  CANNOT.  Not even those that you would call family, they are the first to turn.  God alone.  

Should I or Shouldn't I?

The world according to Barb.  I cannot tell you how many times I have thought.... I should start blogging again.  I should start "writing" again.  It is such a good way to get things out.  However, would it cause more problems than it's worth?   The answer YES.  I wouldn't have to post everything I typed.  I wouldn't have to post everything I wrote.  

Maybe I will.  

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised

 Entitlement. It just surprises me how many people think they are owed something.  The lies and I mean lies that are being told about me… things that I have done, said…etc.  The lies and stories being told about Terry that he has done and said. First, we lost our home in Herriman. We didn’t sell it to hide money. We had so many medical bills etc and I was being garnished …  Terry hasn’t worked since 2011. He didn’t qualify for disability because he hadn’t worked in the last 5 years once he applied. Why hadn’t he worked? He was with his mother. We had doctors notes, we went to attorneys etc… basically we were told tough, take early retirement. 

I didn’t tell Terry at first we had lost the house. I should have. I have someone, I know who it is, spreading lies about that whole mess. Truth… this person, liar, manipulating girl has NO idea what she is talking about. Instead of coming to me either in person, which she won’t, because she knows she has done me so dirty in so many ways, has choose to continue to lie. Unfortunately, there are those that listened to her lies. Instead of thinking for themselves and going… um that doesn’t even sound right. Um, maybe I should ask Barb. Um, why would Terry and Barb be living in a 14x70 trailer if they had ALL that money. Think … just Think.

I know I’m not entitled to anything. I have been lied too by so many people. I’ve been used and told “I appreciate you so much.” Then stabbed. Life is a big test. The last 12 years have been rough. I’ve lost a lot… however, I’ve learned more. You can only count on God. Those that say they will always be there… not. Those that say they appreciate you… they don’t, just as long as you are doing what they want. Remember, you are entitled to nothing. Count on no one. 

I’m tired. Tired of waiting for peace. Tired of everyone expecting me to just take it or take care of… one day, one day.  I’m not entitled… however.. either are you.. brother, daughter in law, son or anyone else.

It’s actually kinda freeing

 It’s actually kinda freeing when you just don’t care anymore. I guess the best way to put it… I will never give up hope. However, I will not allow myself to get my hopes up. 

It’s no lie and I will not hide we are not the perfect family. As a parent I made my share of mistakes and I will admit that. I could have and should have done some things differently. I have made decisions out of fear. I have made decisions out of guilt. However, I have never made decisions that would deliberately hurt someone. Some of the things that I have been accused of doing are so hurtful and wrong. If one would stop and think… look at the facts. That being said. Moving forward, I won’t put myself in a position where I can be fooled again. Even by those that are suppose to love you the most. This is not my home. That is what keeps me going. One day the truth will come out. All those that have lied, taken advantage it will… I will be more careful with my heart. 

What will be will be

 You know it is really sad when you get to the point when you just don’t care. I’ve been lied too, lied about and honestly my trust level is at a zero. I am not perfect. I have and do make mistakes. I can honestly state that to PURPOSELY hurt someone physically, emotionally or mentally has never been my intention. A lot of my problems now are because I have gone to far to make sure others are not suffering. 

I never and I thought never I would be FORGOTTEN.   Not just me but Terry. I’ve watched as the phone calls haven’t come…. I’ve been here. The times we have needed help… need help. It’s different times. It’s amazing to hear how complete strangers are helped but there own parents…. Grandparents… then they wonder why you just shut down.

Experiment

 Guess what I did? I waited to be wished Merry Christmas. I know it sounds stupid but to me it showed a lot. Those that would “always “ be there...NOT. Those that love and appreciate you... NOT. Those I thought would always remember me... not.  It actually helped me make a decision that I have been struggling with.. 

Mental Health

 Wow!

 I know, I know it’s a real thing. I have people that I love and care about that struggle. With all that understood and said the question I have is, how much is illness and how much is we are told we are sick?  How much mental illness is actual, “buck up buttercup and get over it”.  I’m not saying that about the bad stuff. What I’m talking about is... the little things. 

I don’t want to go to school? I don’t want to clean my room? I don’t want to do the dishes? I don’t have to....

Whatever happened to you didn’t have a choice? You got up in the morning, made your bed, got dressed/cleaned up, went to school (walked to school or bus stop), stayed at school the whole day without a cell phone, walked home or rode the buss home. Once you were home you changed your clothes, did your chores ( these were your responsibilities without being paid), homework and then maybe free time before a bedtime.

It’s my opinion that it’s been forgotten that when you are given the blessing of having a child that you are raising a future adult. An adult that one day will have to have a job, take care of a home and be responsible.  Raising children is not easy and they do not come with manuals. Wouldn’t it be great if they did?...At year 10 ,month 8 day 12 your child will xyz and in response you will abc.  As parents we make mistakes, we are human. We are doing the best we can with the tools we have in our parental toolbox. It’s okay to tell our kids, I messed up. I could have handled that differently. It’s okay to give kids choices but don’t let them choose themselves right into bad choices. Don’t let them choose themselves into people that no one wants to be around.

Choices have consequences. It’s okay to let your kids have consequences. Isn’t that how you learned? Now, don’t take it completely outside of what I mean . If you clearly can see that they are going to cause harm to themself or others than you need to intervene. Life is tough. Life is even tougher when you haven’t prepared for it.

Compassion

 Is there such thing as compassion anymore? I think it’s easier for some to have compassion for complete strangers than their own family. Easier to show mercy and forgiveness to complete strangers than their own family. I know that I’m guilty. Why is that? Is it because we hold “family “ to a higher standard. If a member of the family is struggling and we reach out to them are we afraid that it might be a reflection on us?  

A couple weeks ago I deleted Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. All the Liberal crap and censorship was way over the top. The main reason I deleted social media... the memories. I’m trying to get those memories out of my head. The family, friends and coworkers. The betrayal that has cut me to the bone. Seeing the “memories “ come up and having to relive the pain. At the time those pictures were taken I was happy. Life was GOOD and Life was BEAUTIFUL. I have those memories in my mind.  The way family and “friends “ turn when they are done with you... it really is sad. 

I will recover. I always do... just taking longer this time.

All I can say is....

 All I can say is WOW.  Trust me I could say a lot worse, but I won’t. So many emotions, so many feelings about the last year. I am a true believer that we all make choices and we all have consequences. I have made some really poor choices in my life, some I could try to justify but in the scheme of things they were poor choices and I have and am suffering the consequences. How we choose to react to those consequences is a completely different conversation.

The last week or two, three who’s counting? Has been especially tough. So many memories of Holidays past. So many good, happy and blessed memories. Now, honestly I feel forgotten. The memories make it tougher. Not that I for one minute regret the past... but I have to wonder, have they forgotten? Have they forgotten the past? Have they forgotten the good things? One of my biggest concerns... it just might be too late one day. I see my husband slowly forgetting more and more. I see him lost in a daze more and more. Again, it’s choices and consequences. 

What others are putting us through... I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Make sure to remember someone today. Remember who made you who you are. Respect others.

Life is not what I expected.

Grandma passed away October 14, 2018.  She really needed to go. Towards the end she was not comfortable.  What is nice is that I can honestly say I was true to my commitment.  I did what I said I would do.  Don't get me wrong..... sometimes it was horrible.  It was a lot of work.  I am so thankful that I was able to do what needed to be done and not just talk the talk but walk the walk.

I had some very special friends made while I was taking care of Mom.  It is interesting that there are those that are still here and I would consider friends.  I have had time to stop and think of the people that have crossed our doorway.  People that have said that they would always be there and are not.  Unfortunately, this goes for family too.

I have to do what I KNOW is right.

May 8, 2018

It’s no secret that the last 6 months there has been a lot going on in my life.  I have had a lot of people in my life that I thought would always be there make choices that I just cannot support.  People that have by their choices made me make choices that were so hard for me to make.  I know that there are some that don’t understand the choices I feel I have been forced to make but at the end of it all, I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO WHAT I FEEL IS RIGHT. 

It amazes me when you make choices that are the right thing for you how others will fight you and do their best to make you question yourself.  The choices that I make are choices that I have given a lot of thought and prayer too.  Right now in my life I have had to close my inner circle.  I have had to tighten that circle and make it so small.  I had opened myself up and unfortunately got hurt.  A pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  Betrayal that hurt so bad that the only one I could and can talk too is the Lord.  What a testimony that in the darkest times of our lives the Lord is still there.  When you do not want to get out of bed and get dressed and those that you thought would always be there, aren’t.

I’m reminded of a teaching I heard a long time ago.  When we are walking this life we are like small trees being planted.  At first the Lord gives us supports so that when the wind comes we can stay straight while our roots are being formed.  What are our roots?  Knowledge on who we are in the Lord, growing our faith and receiving that through grace and depending not on those around us but on the Lord.  Now as like a young tree as it grows those supports are removed.  Friends, coworkers and in my case family members were my supports.  I have had to see just how deep my roots were.  Now, in this latest storm I did sway in the wind.  I DID NOT BREAK!  All credit goes to the Lord.  No matter how low or how alone you feel you never are out of the reach of Christ.  He cares, He loves you.  I know this.  This test that I’m going through has turned into a testimony.

One of my biggest fears has always been when I get old I would be alone.  I would be just like Grandma Bowles.  She has been an example to me of how not to treat people.  I have also seen an example of how others actions affect others.  Someone very close to me at one time explained it as the ripple effect.  How your actions ripple out to others.  So true.  How the words I speak and my actions affect me but how they affect others. Just like a pebble or stone thrown into a pond.  We need to start thinking before we speak or act.  “Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It’s not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make period.”  I have this on the wall in my kitchen.  It just amazes me how much others try to blame others for their attitudes and for the reasons they do what they do.  It’s time we start doing the right thing.  I take responsibility for my choices and for the decisions that I have had to make.  I also take responsibility for the mistakes that I have made.  I am not perfect.  I am still growing my roots.  Right now it looks like I will be alone when I’m old and I’m getting over that fear.  I believe through faith, even though right now I can’t see a fix for the current situation, healing will take place.  I accept that my life has changed forever. 

Life is FULL of Lessons

It's been a tough 24 hours.  It's been a tough 6 months.  Ultimately, I have survived but at what price? I have shed so many tears that they don't even come anymore.  There is so much I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will.  Just when you think you have a situation or someone figured out... there is change.  Lots and Lots of Change. 

Terry's Mom is still with us.  Today I took her to the doctor.  The doctor wrote a referral for Hospice care.  "Failure to Thrive" is the reason for the referral.  I think of all the changes that I have made in my life to help her.  I think of all the opportunities that I passed up.  Then to see the diagnosis of "Failure to Thrive".  What lesson is there for me to learn in this?  Maybe I will find out when I die.  Words are just words.  Actions do speak louder than words.  I know that MY actions have been with the best intent.  I know that I have honestly and truthful tried to give her quality of life, even when it wasn't convenient. 

I just need to learn how to let go of the anger.  When others don't say what I think they should, act they way I think they should.  No one is here with me and Terry.  No one is here day in and day out.  I'm not complaining but want to make a point.  STOP AND THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.  I know that is something I have had to learn.  I am still learning.  We are doing the best we know how too.  When you say "Thank You, But..."  I sincerely hope that NO ONE and I mean NO ONE, not even my exhusband has to go through what we have gone through.  The disappointment in family and friends.  Now, don't everyone start calling and texting because I have not named names and all you will do is make yourself look guilty when no one knows who I'm talking about.